I’ve been on two dating sites for almost six months, and here’s the tally of dates I’ve had: zero.

Now, that doesn’t mean there hasn’t been any interest. I’ve seen guys I wanted to date and both liked and texted them. Either I’ve received no response, or a polite response saying they weren’t interested. A couple of guys said I’d work out if I lived a little closer (which is honest), or they texted me for a while and then the convo just petered out.

After my grand experiment with online dating, I decided to give up…but allowed myself a grand finale. Why not knock on the doors of as many men as I thought plausible? Just like throwing spaghetti against a wall to see how much sticks. Hey, someone’s got to think I’m a good catch, right?

You see, I read my horoscope for the month of July, and it said that Jupiter was in my sector of true love, and I should circulate as much as possible after July 20. Well, that seemed like pretty explicit instructions to go out and man shop. So I cyber-flirted and dreamed up of witty things to say to a bunch of guys I figured would never, ever text me back.

Boy, was I wrong!

I went away for the weekend and checked both sites. I’d not been on either for about six days. What I saw almost scared me: 128 men were interested in me.

Yes. 128 men.

Sheesh! I only wrote to about fifteen or so. How did this happen? Never, ever in my life have I had this kind of attention. I had a good laugh about it and blamed it on errant algorithms. Most of these guys I had nothing in common with, nor were they particularly interesting.

Except one.

I had actually found someone I wouldn’t mind meeting. He lived kind of far, but not too far. As I made my way through the man catalog, this one stood out. He seemed just the sort of guy with whom I could settle in and have a great discussion about a whole slew of topics. Wasn’t sure if I was attracted to him, but he intrigued me. Why not see what happens?

Mr. Guy wrote me a thoughtful response to my query, for which I was pleasantly surprised. I answered back, and before you know it, we’re setting up our first date. We’d been through similar life challenges, so that kind of hooked us in. I told him I wasn’t sure if he was right for me, but I wouldn’t mind meeting him, and he replied the same. We agreed it couldn’t hurt and if nothing else, we might make great friends. Honesty is a rare commodity these days. I have no intention of stringing him along if there’s no chemistry. It seems he’d do the same.

I went to my club this past weekend, filled with happy thoughts about this potential new man in my life when, not entirely unexpected, Glamour Man shows up. My heart always goes thumpity-thump when I see him, whether I’d like it to or not. Fortunately, I was in the middle of taking a very hot cake out of a very hot oven, so I couldn’t throw him a lingering glance. Other people were around and he chatted to them for a bit, taking the pressure off of me to drop everything and cast a longing stare. Not that I would anyway.

We ate lunch together and caught up on things. He’d been going through a rough patch, the sort of transition that most people our age face. I listened to him, as he talked about his challenges. He has a tough guy exterior, while his interior emotions often bang at the walls to be let loose. GM would never admit to that. He reveals it in subtle ways that most people wouldn’t catch. A slight thinness in his voice. A small tremble in his hand. A quick downward glance. A small patch of silence.

GM alludes to our first and only date. Says the restaurant where we dined was pretty good, and he wouldn’t mind having a meal again there. With me. Did I hear right? That was ages ago, but I suppose both of us had been through an awful lot since then. He also slid into the conversation about us going on vacation together, someplace nice, in the off-season. Again, are my ears working correctly? There were no dates mentioned, no specifics of any sort, but he put it out there.

So what does that mean? I go over and over in my head, making up all sorts of scenarios. A romantic dinner here, a gorgeous sunset walk there, holding hands, leading into a steady progression of passion. None of this is real, I convince myself. Or is it?

I don’t want to wreck my chances with Mr. Guy, but I don’t want to lose Glamour Man, either. I really want to start living my authentic life again, but the thought of juggling two men overwhelms me.

Dear friends of mine who happen to be neighbors were walking past my house as I took out my garbage. I invited them in. Hadn’t seen them for a while. It was a nice surprise and we chatted about this and that. One of them asks about Glamour Man. I forgot I’d let them in on my adventures with him. Caught them up on the latest. “He’s going through a lot of life changes,” the neighbor says. “Give him time. The fact that he mentioned he’d like to meet up at that restaurant again says he’s still interested.”

I had a laugh at that. Is Glamour Man really interested? Or just bread crumbing me?

There’s this song by this artist called Sasami, and she has this song called “Honeycrash” out now. It’s a beautifully passionate song about a person whose love has slipped away, but knows there’s something still there between them. That you can’t change or rush someone’s feelings. And the words, “Even just an ember can turn into a blazing fire” just resonate with me.

While it doesn’t exactly describe my situation, I find encouragement in them. I don’t know what’s going to happen with Glamour Man, or Mr. Guy, or anybody. But there’s an ember here, and it just might turn into a blazing fire. That ember is in my heart, and it will spark when it meets its flame.