I knew something was up when my boss appeared on the Zoom call with the HR person. That’s a sure sign nothing good’s going to happen. A sickly feeling crept up my spine. It was the first week of November, and just in time for the holidays, I was told that my position was being eliminated. Instead, I was encouraged to apply for a new position that I was neither qualified for nor interested in. I love the job I have, but with the advent to taking on freelancers to do the writing job my position requires, why pay a salary to a staff member when you can get the same exploitive work for a third less?

The call ended with both the HR person and my boss saying I’d have until the end of the year, and quite possibly into the beginning of the next, to hang onto my position. Two months to find a job during the time of the year when no one’s hiring. Great.

For days after that, I shut down. What was I going to do? This is the second time in two years that this has happened to me. I’m not a bad worker; I get rave reviews about how well I do my job. The problem is, I seem to pick the wrong companies to work for. I’m absolutely panic stricken about what comes next. Luckily, my resume’s in good shape and so’s my LinkedIn profile. I’m too young to retire so that’s not even an option.

A dear friend invited me to her wedding, and it took place the week after my job landed in the redundancy sewer. I looked forward to going because it was out of town, shining a ray of sunshine in a bleak sky. Also, many of my friends would be there. One couple in particular moved away, and we planned on spending the day together, since it was an evening wedding. He also lost his job, but found another pretty quickly, and that sounded hopeful for my situation.

So I’m at the wedding, which took place at a lovely hotel. Everything was perfect in its simplicity. My friend is not one for ostentatious displays, and kept the wedding party down to two – her and the groom. A lump of happiness swelled in my throat as I took a few pictures. After, we all said our congratulations and headed over to the cocktails and hors d’oeuvres. Open bar! Let’s go!

Around a hightop table, my friends gathered and we caught up on each other’s news. Along comes the photographer, asking if he can take our picture. Sure, we all say as we gather on one side of the table. No, he said, how about a couple at a time. Afterwards, he motioned for all of them to gather in one group, completely ignoring me. The eternal single woman. Invisible, as always.

My friends shouted for me to join them. I refused. It’s for couples, and I’m a single. They kept on shouting for me to join. The photographer did nothing to encourage me to join. I began to walk away towards the bar, seeing that my empty wine glass cried out for attention. A friend grabbed my arm and pulled me toward the group. “This is one battle you won’t win,” she said. And so, I knelt in front of the group, and the groom (sans bride) became my partner.

That stung. Until that moment, I’d been thoroughly enjoying myself. To be totally disregarded because I didn’t have a partner by the photographer wrecked my evening. It added to the anxiety I’d already been feeling by losing my job. But I kept my mouth shut. This was my dear friend’s day and I wouldn’t spoil it because I felt shitty. At the wedding banquet, we were free to choose our own seats. The empty seat next to me reminded me of how I literally was the only single person in attendance at this wedding. While this normally wouldn’t bother me, because of the earlier incident, it did.

I play acted at having a good time, even sharing a few laughs and trying my best to be conversant. But as the evening wore on, I sank into myself. I wanted to retreat to my room and cry. Seeing all the couples on the dance floor, kissing and clinging to each other. How happy they all were. Sure, I have no idea what goes on in their lives, but at that moment, they seemed as if they were soaking in the love. And I felt empty.

Eventually, I headed up to my room, had a cup of tea and read an old issue of The New Yorker – comedy edition. The plush king-sized bed and overstuffed pillows comforted me in their warmth, enveloping me. I drifted off and woke up the next morning, sneaking out before any of my friends could stop me to say goodbye. I was in no mood.

I held myself together until I got home. I was a wreck. Between the raging forest fire that came very close to my home, losing my job and just being alone with no shoulder to bolster me up, I lost it. Sank on the couch and cried for a very long time. I realized how frightened I felt, how uncertain life is, and there’s no promise it’ll ever get better.

Obviously, the only person who can dig myself out of this hole is me. If only I can find the strength to do so….