It’s tough to remain positive these days. Personally, I’m feeling really rough.

I’ve been applying for jobs since November, when I found out that my position was going to be eliminated. My boss did his best to keep me on as long as he could, bless him. But now it’s been five weeks without a steady paycheck. I can’t tell you how many applications I sent in, because it would take me too long to count them all. Seems my job now is to spend entire days that stretch into the evening looking for work. My eyes burn from all the computer time, my shoulders sag and I grow more anxious as the days go by.

A well-meaning friend called me tonight to say hello and see how I was doing. He and his wife just returned from Hawaii. I went there to visit my son who’s stationed there, so I wondered what they thought of the place. These people truly deserve the breaks they take, because between he and his wife they work five jobs. I can’t even get one! But I’m not jealous (really!), just grateful I have them around. Anyway, Friend kept going on about how hard the job market is, maybe I should go back into retail, or become a waitress, or even get a job at a call center. None of these are viable options for me. I did my time in retail and both my feet, knees and back remind me that if I ever went back, I’d wind up in a wheelchair. The call center job pays less than what I was earning in retail. Add to that, Friend went on about the bleak circumstances in Washington and how the influx of so many ex-federal workers to the unemployment scene are making it even more difficult to find work.

As Friend went on, I started crying. I didn’t mean to, but I couldn’t help it, either. Earlier today, I woke up feeling so hopeless, so overwhelmed that I busted out in tears. Another one of my pals texted me and said something very similar to what Friend said tonight. I seriously doubted I would live much longer with all of this gloom. I went for a walk, hoping the fresh air would lift my spirits. It didn’t. Grey skies, along with a damp chill seemed like the perfect backdrop for my mood. The nearby lake was only partially frozen now, with fading ridges from fat-tire motorcycles careening on its surface. Scattered holes from ice fishers contributed to cracks breaking. Swans drifted in the open areas, looking as regal as ever, almost blending into the whiteness.

All I could see was how utterly bleak my chances were of finding a job again. For the rest of the day, my ability to focus on anything was shot. My body weighed a thousand tons. Rising from my desk chair incurred pain in my back. That is, when I realized it was 3:30 in the afternoon and I hadn’t eaten. I opened the fridge. Lots of options there, but that meant having to prepare something. Thought a salad might do; its ingredients jumbled together like the thoughts racing through my brain.

Two years ago, I’d been informed that my position at my previous job was being eliminated. It was scary at first, but there were a great deal of open positions to choose from. I had a number of interviews and easily found a great opportunity. I was really proud of my work, as it contributed to bettering the lives of refugees and immigrants. The freezing of federal jobs ended all that, thanks to our shadow president and his pretender holding the throne. It’s as if those of us who did good in this world are to be mocked and jeered because we have the temerity to want to earn a living.

Federal workers not only serve to further the principles of what our nation stands for (or rather, stood for), but they feed into their local economies. Park rangers support local businesses throughout our nation. They buy homes, groceries, eat out, go to the movies, raise families. IRS agents do that same, as do those who work for the FBI, CIA, and the like. Thousands who lost that ability have contributed to the businesses they supported being affected. They’re in risk of losing profits and letting go of their workers. The trickle-down effects of all of this will worsen our economy.

Apparently, we’re supposed to be okay with that because the billionaires are getting their tax breaks. It won’t trickle down, like Reagan supposed. Our lives are going to get tighter, just like the billionaire’s fists on their dollars.

After I got off the phone with Friend, I sat on the couch and stared. Doomscrolled BlueSky to justify how awful I felt about myself. Cried some more. This isn’t getting me anywhere, but if those tears are held back inside, my anxiety only grows worse. My eyes blossomed with water. Another day wasted by worrying instead of working.

9:00 pm arrived. Heaving a deep sigh, I pulled myself off the couch and back into my desk chair. Checked my email for job alerts. LinkedIn is utterly useless. Any position I’d be qualified for states, “over 100+ applied.” That doesn’t help. So I head over to another site, then another.

A new position has been posted on this particular website, although it states the job’s been posted for 28 days. Surely it’s filled, I think. I visit the open job’s website. It’s still live. I click on the description. It’s exactly everything I did in my last position, right down to working with the immigrant population, although a slightly different mission. My heart leaps. I actually have a real chance of getting this one, I think. The pay’s about the same too. But by now, it’s kind of late, my mind is fried and I just can’t get it together to write an effective cover letter. Writing this blog has helped me clear my head so now I can go to bed, rise early and get it done.

I’m going to sleep now. I’m much calmer for having written this. Who knows if my chances for getting this job are any better than the other applications I’ve filled out. I do know this: I have a 100% chance of not getting it if I don’t try.

Remaining positive is the most difficult thing anyone can do. Sometimes, you just have to.